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About the Author emotional persevering a hopeless romantic loves poetry folk songs tennis books tinker with computers have a propensity for numbers and the illogical loves the mountains and the sky full of stars at night hates being alone though has been alone most of his life writing is more on communicating and not pure expressions Archives
Places to Go People to See Marge Messages Credits Take a look at this & other blog designs @ Blogskins.com Modified for blogdrive by Raine
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Wednesday, September 29, 2004 an unfinished song an ode to joy The sound of loneliness The testing ground for the spirit An infinite longing for you Is this just naïve romanticism
where am i now? It’s been quite a while since my last entry…I’ve been busy lately… everybody who knows my story will say…what a lame excuse…the truth of the matter is that I don’t have the appetite to write anymore…am I that confused?... yes or I got tired of wallowing in pain and sorrow for the past years?…yes…or am I losing hope?...yes.. or I can’t see where this is leading to?.....yes…..will I ever have the chance to see another brighter day?...who knows… Lately, I’ve been spending most of my time listening to the music of keri noble (piece of my heart) and joann armatrading (love and affection)…just like my feelings my kind of music is also confused…what a joke….though rock and a little of country music don’t vary much from each other… I was also spending some time thinking about what my friend raine is trying to tell me…the closure that I need so that we can move on….how I wish it could be that simple…i think she’s wrong this time…it is not the closure that is important to me but the guilt…the rectification of the mistakes I’ve made…damn again those indecisions…will I ever learn to grow? Will I ever have the courage to dial those numbers and tell her how sorry I am?…will I be able to tell her that I have suffered enough for those mistakes? …………….ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Saturday, July 31, 2004 am back hello world…familiar words to most IT students…these simple words I am going to use just to let everybody know that I’m back from my days of what we can call hiatus…I’ve been visiting my own site almost everyday but did not have the appetite to write an entry until recently…..that is after reading a compilation of homilies of one James F. Donelan SJ…a former teacher at Ateneo de Davao, former president of Ateneo de Manila University and helped found the Asian Institute of Management where he taught human behavior and business ethics…the last is where I got hold of this book… the title is “God’s Crooked Lines – The Search for Truth”…actually I don’t know where to start but bear with me on this as I will share as much as I can from this book…in one of his homilies, he was talking about Easter, the story of the empty tomb.. ”It is a story on which everything has been said, and nothing. What it means cannot be told in words. It must find another expression in life, in a love of life, in a hope of living”. I cannot begin to fathom what he meant yet it struck me so deeply I stopped for a moment and reflected and looked into myself as deep as I can trying to find the parallels that has eluded me in the past 20 something years when I started to grapple with the realities of this world up until this very moment… Further on he said “The pagan faith in death has a powerful grip on the human heart”………”The women are still weeping, and still believing that love ends in tears and not in fruition, that what is lost is lost, and there is no resurrection. There is Peter weeping and believing that betrayal is the end and not fidelity, that a love once denied is a love forever destroyed, and there is no resurrection. There are the rest of the twelve who had taken to cowardly flight, now they are mortally ashamed, and they believed that remorse is the end and not forgiveness, that their hope of companionship in a holy cause is dead, and there is no resurrection”. In the end when Christ was resurrected he said and I quote “how very human ! they could believe in death and loss, in betrayal and shame and sin, in the shattering of dreams and the defeat of hopes sad enough to be true. But to believe in the Man before them, come back from the dead, with the splendor of God now subtly radiant through his human form, then and only then did they believed”…..unqoute I hope I am doing justice to this piece of Fr. James..but to me, the meaning is so powerful that somehow I am seeing myself, my inequities and all….i want to close this entry with another part of this homily and I quote… “I suppose that at times the past rises up before you, and you see your mistakes and stupidities and how you have disappointed others and hurt them and damaged love by selfishness. I suppose that your soul is occasionally shaken by feelings of insecurity, by doubts and anxiety and worries,by shadowy thoughts and nameless fears…” unquote
Saturday, June 05, 2004 madness...... in the stillness of a cold dark night… a deafening silence surround,,, a spirit never knowing where to go… a spirit crying out for forgiveness.. a story untold waiting for its time… a soul lost in the tunnel of desperation… crying for its end…or will it ever end… hope of a future full of promises… a scene of heavenly peace… days filled with wishful thinking… remembrance of an electrifying touch… a smile that reminds of contentment and fulfillment… graceful glide of a soul in a trance… moments of joy…. a failed relationship… reminder of the pains… heartaches and miseries… a haunting ending of a story caused by indecisions… Friday, June 04, 2004 reflections.... I always tend to say, “this will be the last time”………as the cliché goes “this will be the last time I will talk to you”….. “this will be the last time I will fall in love”…… “this will be the last time I will bother you”……. There’s a lot more of this… Yet, in the end i always find myself falling into the same trap all over again… Sometimes I’m conscious of the fact that I’m doing it again…its just that I can’t control myself…maybe…. Sometimes unconsciously….is it because I just kind of realize how much it pains me to lose you?....is it because I just kind of realize how much you mean to me? Is it because of the fear of losing you totally?....is it because I need to cling to the hope that maybe someday somehow this will turn out right? Is it because of the fear of having another relationship only to face failure once again? How I wish I can turn back the hands of time… how I wish I could just sneak into the four corners of my mind Where memories of your smile is so vivid and fresh Where memories of your touch can bring a smile to my face Where I can be with you as long as I want to Where I can touch your face and hold you in my arms…. Where I can see the world through your very eyes…. A spirit lost in the jungle of desperation….. A lost spirit trying to find its way through this madness of nothingness A spirit trying to cling to sanity in this insane world….. A broken spirit...A spirit longing for the peace that only death can bring… Wednesday, May 12, 2004 words......again lately i really didnt have the urge to write...this is the main reason why it is taking me some time to update my blog...i don't know why...is it because i am sick and tired of being alone?...or is this just a point in my life where i have to decide to be free of the past and go start exploring new things again?...meet new friends?...i really don't know...sometimes i feel nothing...like not trying to think...just live each day like the way i did yesterday and the day before...i really don't know...i hope this will end soon or else it might never end....just another song...this is entitled precious pain by melissa etheridge Everybody's got a hunger no matter where they are Wednesday, May 05, 2004 words....... lately i've been feeling moody...that's why i was not able to update my blog as much as i want to...ive been listening to a lot of melissa etheridge, evanescence and maksim music...guess that could tell you what mood im in lately...here's one...my immortal... I’m so tired of being here Suppressed by all of my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave Because your presence still lingers here And it wont leave me alone These wounds wont seem to heal This pain is just too real There’s just too much that time cannot erase When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears And I’ve held your hands through all of these years But you still have all of me You used to captivate me By your resonating light But now I’m bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased all the sanity in me These wounds wont seem to heal This pain is just too real There’s just too much that time cannot erase When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears And I’ve held your hands through all of these years But you still have all of me I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone And though you’re still with me I’ve been alone all along Tuesday, April 27, 2004 retrospection.............. it's been a while since my last entry...almost two weeks...i've been trying to think things over and decided to write again...this time on a lot of topics though i really would like to focus on some that i felt must be given some priorities...two or three nights ago i was thinking about one of my entries about songs...i think it was "songs of life"...i came to realize that songs were not only about life...i realized there were songs about love, experiences, places and a lot more... a very good example is what i am listening to right now...this song is entitled "precious pain" by melissa etheridge...as the title goes it tells about the pain and the things it does to us and it really helps us understand some of the things that happen to most of us...i also believe almost everybody have their own experiences of pains in their lifetime... most of the time it helps in our search for understanding...it soothes the mind and makes us realize the right things and the errors we have made in the past...hopefully more prepared to face the challenges of the future...on the other hand it also reopen wounds that normally would heal already...that's why we say "only time will heal the wounds"...why, because we are hoping we will forget the past...but alas most of the time we don't...it keeps coming back to haunt us... Monday, April 12, 2004 reasons i started blogging through the prodding of my friend raine...initially my purpose was to put in writing or as we say journalizing the events that are taking place specially in my life...my initial entries were about my problem with "the one that got away"...joy's her nickname...lately, i found out i was already writing my daily activities...this is because i have decided that after years of wallowing in pain and sorrow i wanted to put a stop and according to raine, a "closure"... <<<<<<<<<< unfortunately, to date i am still grappling with the thought that if i talk to her, instead of putting a stop to this phase of our lives, i might just be opening old wounds...and i know this will really hurt both of us...that is why, even if i have the contact numbers of joy, i still don't have the courage to talk to her...i don't know if this is right...hopefully, we just can let bygones be bygones and continue with our lives...others would call this "burning our bridges behind"...the consolation is the fact that we have loved each other once and nobody can take that from us... <<<<<<<<<< Friday, April 09, 2004 nature trip tonite we will be leaving again for another trip...i heard from sis they call this place the sun moon lake...why? that i also would like to find out...on sunday i will be playing in a one day tennis tournament inside the processing zone...i was entered by my bro in law...he is already excited...i dont know if there is a mass i can attend to in the afternoon...it is easter sunday and i wish i can attend mass... <<<<<<<<< go to go now...i need to jog if i expect to win on sunday..am feeling very heavy...i have adapted to the food here and lately i have been eating way beyond my eating capacity...lol by the way it is still very cold here...the weather's fine for the last few days...just cold... |
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